My Journey With Health And Fitness – Inside I Am Still That Fat Chick

I’ve come to realize that I have become a fitness addict. It started when I commented to my husband that I now actually enjoy running (he believes that was an indication that I have truly lost my mind). Then the other day the trainer had us doing a plank hold (note a year ago I doubt I could do a plank for more than 15 seconds). I was disappointed when it was over because we only had to do it for 2 minutes and I wanted more. Last week I was teamed up with 2 much younger women and when we were doing a squat hold one of them picked up a 25lb weight the other a 30lb weight leaving me, the old lady, the 35lb weight but I still managed to get through it and was pretty proud of being able to out do both of them. Oh, how far I have come.

When I was obese (and I fully acknowledge I was obese) I never really thought of myself as fat. Yes, I knew I was overweight but I was always surprised when I saw a picture of myself by how big I actually was. Reflecting I realized that it was a really strange mindset. I knew how much I weighed and I knew what size clothing I wore but there just seemed to be some line in my brain that I couldn’t cross to acknowledge I was obese and quite frankly on a very dangerous path health wise. It wasn’t until I had lost about 60lbs that I could finally accept how overweight I actually was.

Now it seems to be the opposite. Twice yesterday I had someone tell me that I look fabulous and how proud they are of what I have done. Strangely when I look in the mirror I still see myself as big. Again, I know how much I weigh (an absolutely normal BMI), I wear 12 dress sizes smaller than what I used to and I am so toned my muscles show every time I move. But still I feel I am big. Trust me, when I try on new clothing in a size 6 I always think it looks far too small for me to wear (recently I got new shorts for the summer and I was terrified looking at them before putting them on but they fit perfectly). I’m just not sure that I will ever shake that image of myself.

The other day my husband and I were showing the ladies in my walking group before pictures and they were all stunned. They know I have lost weight over the past year but they struggled to believe what I looked like before I started this journey nearly 4 years ago. I have to admit, so was I. But I think I have got to move forward and remined myself I am not a fat chick anymore. Holding on to that can only limit my expectations of myself. I started the other day when we were told to grab the heaviest dumb bells we thought we could hold and while normally I would grab a set of 20lbs this time I told myself I could do a 30lb set because that total of 60lbs was less than all of the weight I have lost so my body used to be able to carry it, why can’t I now do it for the sake of an exercise. Turns out I was right and I could hold that kind of weight.

I think tomorrow I am going to start the day doing a 10km run and the mantra in my head needs to be I am a healthy, strong and motivated woman who will no longer think of herself in terms of her size.