My Journey With Health And Fitness – I Am Broken And Need Time To Heal

Two days ago my husband and I were complaining about the heat. Now that we are back home we are complaining about the massive rain and hail. Unfortunately the rain came do so fast and hard that our drain couldn’t handle it and water got into the garage. My husband has managed to get most of the water out and has now taken every large towel in the house (fortunately we have many of them) and is drying the cement as best he can.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. For starters we arrived home at about 1:15am and then because it is impossible for me to simply hop in bed and go to sleep I stayed up until about 3am. I was up at 7:30am so really not a lot of sleep. I did manage to get a walk in and then really needed to get my nails done. I know I was pretty tired and that combined with the stress of the last week made me a little emotional.

I wanted to get some more done on my brother’s estate and I started with his prosthetist. When I was going through the mail I found an overdue notice from them for $115. I called and explained he had passed and asked if they could send me the original bill as I would try and get it paid by his benefits provider. They told me not to worry about it as they had a fund provided by the War Amps and they would use that to pay the bill. I started crying.

Next we had been invited to meet with my brother’s friends from where he worked. We got there and the number of them that had turned out was so impressive. They passed around a phone to record comments from each of them to be played at his celebration of life. They included me, my husband and sister in the video. They then pointed out that on the post at the end of the table they had hung a framed picture of my brother. I cried a bit when we were leaving and I stood up to thank all of them.

The end of the day was heading to our Elks lodge to meet with those helping with the celebration of life including the caterer and person in charge of the hall rentals. First of all as soon as we walked in to the lounge the number of people who came up and gave us hugs and condolences was amazing. But then as we sat down to sort over thing out I realized I was overwhelmed. I felt like I was whipsawing back and forth between 3 people talking to me and asking questions about food, bar, set up, technology, etc. I got to the point where my brain wasn’t able to understand things that should come easily to me. I conceded defeat and realized I am broken and I need some time to heal.

I have been telling myself that I was getting better and being at home and back to my routine would help me move forward. I was wrong, you cannot suffer a loss like I did only a week ago and think life will be normal just because that is what you want. I went to bed last night and gave myself permission to let myself heal. I turned off my alarm and this morning I slept in. I decided that while a few of my workouts in the last week helped me to feel mentally better, I doubted it would work today so I again gave myself the permission to take the day off and not feel bad about it. I also gave myself permission to cry again which is what I am doing as I type this.

Intellectually I know I need time to heal but emotionally I had really wanted for it to have already happened. It’s funny but I have several times counseled others who were in grief that there is no ‘you should be over it’ time, each of us are individuals and have the right to grieve as long as is needed. So I am giving myself that time. If I am not ready to head to the basement which is where my brother had his bedroom and his stuff is all through the family room then that is ok, there is nothing there that is urgent. If I can only get through 1 item each day on the list of things I have to do for the estate, that too is ok. And, if I need to cry then I need to cry.

Only time and giving myself a break are really what is going to help me heal. Right now I still see my brother everywhere and I hope to keep that for as long as I can.