My Journey With Health And Fitness – Time To Let Go Of Some Anger

I was out on my walk this morning and was pleased that I was able to feed all of my cats (one had been missing the last few walks). There are a couple areas that I actually travel through twice on my 1 1/2 hour walk including an area with townhouses. There is a lovely cat there that each morning seems to want more affection than treats (though she gladly accepts the treats). Usually on my 1st pass through that area I give her lots of petting and some breakfast then on the 2nd pass it is just affection. This morning on my 2nd pass I gave her some pets and skritchies but when I walked away she decided we were not done and literally launched herself at me digging her claws into my leg. Needless to say she got more attention. If you have ever owned a Siamese cat you will know they decide when they are done with you.

A memory on Facebook popped up today and it brought on a lot of anger. 3 years ago my brother was hospitalized with a bad infection in his foot. It turned out his femoral bypass from a decade earlier had failed and he had little circulation in his leg hence the infection was not healing. He was hospitalized immediately after seeing his vascular specialist and he advised the hospital that I was his medical advocate and had to be in on all of his medical discussions. Now this was during the pandemic and our health authority had a policy that anyone with a disability, including intellectual disabilities, were allowed to have an essential visitor to help them navigate medical decisions. My brother absolutely fell into that category however, this hospital decided they did not have to follow the health authority’s policy and refused to allow me to visit my brother (though we did have some lobby visits until he fell off his knee scooter and broke his shoulder so he was no longer allowed to go to the lobby unless in a wheelchair which was a whole other issue).

I want to be clear, I was not involved in the discussion when he had to make a decision regarding either life risking surgery or amputating his leg (he chose the surgery). I was not included in the discussion when they advised him despite the aforementioned surgery in order to save his life they had to do the amputation. While after the amputation they allowed me to visit him occasionally it was always on their terms. That means they would say things to me like well you were here 3 days ago so he doesn’t need to see you again so soon. His social worker would call me and say he seemed depressed and I would tell her, because they won’t let me be there to be his FUCKING SUPPORT (sorry for the profanity). The one that just killed me was when I wanted to bring the dogs to visit him to lighten his spirits and they told me dogs weren’t allowed in the hospital because of COVID (huh?). By time he left that hospital I despised all of them because in my eyes they were abusing a disabled person for absolutely no reason.

The picture that popped up today was my brother at the hospital he was sent to for physical rehab and that showed him in a wheelchair holding one of our dogs. You see the day he was transferred there I got a call from his social worker saying she thought it would be really good for his mental health if he got to see the dogs. Wait what? What happened to that whole COVID thing? She explained to me they recognized the healing power of pets and that all I needed to do was provide their vaccination certificates and she could book a meeting room for a pet visit (meeting room was so that if there was anyone on the ward that was allergic to dogs they too would be safe). You bet we got to do that visit within 48 hours and my brother was thrilled.

But that memory also brought up a ton of anger for me. It reminded me of how administrators at that first hospital decided that just for the sake of demonstrating their power could undermine their health authority orders. It reminded me of heartbreaking calls and FaceTime conversations with my brother when he was struggling to understand and deal with what was going on. It reminded me of how medical professionals couldn’t see what was clearly abuse of a patient that was completely unnecessary.

Having done all of this rant, even before I started it I had decided it was time to let go of this anger. At the time this was finished and my brother was home I was advised he should file a formal complaint against the original hospital. He decided not to do that because he wanted to move forward. He was far more forgiving than me because I would have nailed them to the wall. But today I’ve realize I need to let all of this go. I don’t need that anger to cloud my memories of my brother. Instead what I need to remember from that difficult time in our lives was how brave he was and how hard he worked to come home and make his new life normal. And let me say that is exactly what he did. He was walking with his prosthetic far sooner than anyone anticipated and within 8 months of leaving hospital his wheelchair became obsolete for him. A year later he was helping mentor an acquaintance who had also had a leg amputated. Those memories are so much better than memories filled with anger.

And so I am letting all of that go. I truly believe holding on to that anger was also holding part of me back. I guess that means that as of today I am moving forward to an entirely different view of that dark time for my family. I am doing what my brother did 3 years ago, moving forward.