My Journey With Health And Fitness – When Will I Start To Heal

Well, there’s a cold front warning in Playa. Apparently today it is only going to get up to 25 degrees Celsius and tonight it will drop down to 19 degrees. Now I know many of you reading this will laugh at the absurdity of those temperatures being a cold front but for here it is. Please remember the normal temperatures would be lows in the mid 20’s and highs in the low 30’s so people down here are just not used to this. For me it means for the next few days my morning walk will be lovely.

Yesterday marked 10 months since my brother passed. I said I would be celebrating him for the day so I did things he would like to do. I went to one of his favourite restaurants and order a burger that I would never have had (not because I wouldn’t like it but because it had things like bacon on it so full of calories). I had his preferred beer. I even did a photo replicating the picture we took of him 30 minutes before he died, holding a tequila in one hand and a beer in the other. At the end of the day my friends here did a toast to him and as I explained to our new neighbours what we were doing I cried a little.

I sometimes wonder when I am going to heal from this. Now I admit yesterday was a bit hard because I am here on my own. Maybe it would have been better if my sister had been able to join me and I could have just shown her where he was that last hour or so of his life. Or who knows, maybe that would have made it worse. Don’t get me wrong, I posted several times on FB yesterday and got amazing support from my community so I know people sympathize with my grief, it is just sometimes it is tiring.

A friend put up a post a few days earlier on FB. It was a meme about losing your brother (she had lost hers a few years ago). The post talked about how their heart was broken in two, one side was now filled with grief and the other side was filled with memories. It noted that is how it would always be. That is exactly how I feel each and every day.

I know I get maudlin the 7th of each month and I am really worried about 2 months from now. We could stop celebrating him on that day but I am just not ready to do that yet. Maybe after June 7th, but not yet. That date actually looms big in my head and I just want to get through it.

I know that one day I will heal, but my heart will never be whole again.