I’m up at the lake at our trailer with my husband. He suggests we go for a ride in the golf car around the complex. I climbed in and stopped breathing for a second. It was actually my brother’s golf car which has now been gifted to me. I know that eventually things like this will bother me less but for right now they still impact me. I admit, I would give everything back just to have one more day with my brother.
If you recall just before I left for Mexico in April I had an issue with my ankle. It was bothering me a bit after a bootcamp class then when I went out for a walk (after more than 2 months of running everyday I had decided a walk would be a better idea) and after about 4 km I felt a pop in my ankle and then excruciating pain up my leg. At that point I called my husband to pick me up and take me home. For the next week I avoided all higher impact exercises and cut back on all exercise.
However, I have to admit, 2 1/2 months later and that ankle is still not right. Not only does it ‘twinge’ on a regular basis but it is often swollen. I’ve tried using my anti-inflammatory cream but it really isn’t working the way I would have hoped. Don’t get me wrong, the pain is not debilitating, but it is there and I refuse to risk doing things like running which I miss (words I never thought I would say) and want to get back to pushing myself. However, right now I know I just can’t do this.
And so I will be booking an appointment with my doctor to try and fix this. I admit I have avoided doing this because I fear the doctor will tell me I need to rest that ankle far more than what I am willing to do. But now I admit defeat and realize that if I don’t seek help getting back to running is going to be a very long way off.
My apologies for those who were looking for a post on Thursday. I had gone on a ‘mystery tour’ through our local community services. It was an all day tour and for full accountability, it ended at a craft cider location. Yes, despite my last post I had the cider and then ended up at our next door neighbours’ drinking some red wine. Not to worry, by posting about my slips it actually makes me more resolved to stick to the plan.
I’ve posted before about the issues with my feet exacerbated by the amount I walk/run. I have had a corn on the inside of one of my toes for 3 years. I also for several decades have had a pinkie toe that always has a large callus on it. While the callus can be kind of painful the corn, when it was first diagnosed, was extremely painful. I now wear a rubber sock on that toe whenever I am running/walking for any sort of distance which had helped but the corn remained, just not as painfully.
The other day I realized that the callus on my pinkie toe had all be disappeared. I really not sure when that happened but most of the tissue is pretty soft. I then checked my corn when I was putting my toe sock. Much to my surprise there is very little corn left. I thought yes, finally my feet feel good.
So why did this happen suddenly after all this time? I think there is a couple of reasons for it. Firstly, I am just back from 7 weeks in Mexico and a lot of that time was spent shoeless (other than walks and workouts). Even when we did go out it was usually sandals that I wore giving my feet much more room. Secondly my new shoes that I bought just before heading to Mexico back in April. Despite my podiatrist insisting that I could only wear NB runners, the tech that measured my feet at a local orthotics store recommended I use Brooks and a slightly bigger size. I also had an older set of Brooks at the condo so while in Mexico that’s what I wore for walking/workouts. Apparently this is the brand of shoe that my feet like.
It is so nice to not have toes that at the end of the day really hurt. Instead, they seem to be much happier with the way they are being treated. And so going forward I am going to be loyal to the Brooks brand. And, since it is summer, sandals will be worn more frequently. Who knows, come September that corn may not even exist anymore. Really, I sure hope so.
This morning a saw something very frightening. A car stopped at a crosswalk to allow a pedestrian to cross the street. However, the impatient driver of the car behind them didn’t like this. Instead the 2nd driver stepped on the gas, swerved into the oncoming traffic lane to execute a left turn. In doing so the driver came unbelievably close to striking the pedestrian. I wonder if the 5 secs that driver got to their desired location earlier than if they had stopped was really worth risking someone’s life.
While we are in Mexico I acknowledge the fact that we tend to drink alcohol even more than usual. That is why I like coming home after the January trip and doing Dry February just to give me body a break. Most years I’ll also do things like Sober October and I will pick a month during the summer to go dry. I think this is really important for my body and it is not normally a problem.
This last trip to Mexico was no different with one exception, the alcohol consumption level failed to drop when I returned home. I could use the excuse that I was self medicating because of the loss of my brother but as I have said many times before, there are no excuses. I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection lately and have realized that instead of excuses it is time for me to take control. Thus, for the rest of the summer I am committing to only allowing any alcohol on 2 days each week. I decided I would write about it on my blog because I find by doing so it helps me to hold myself accountable.
So this is how things will work, there is no set days that I will allow myself some alcohol, rather I need to do what I do with food, plan ahead. For example, yesterday was Canada Day and my husband and I enjoyed the celebrations (I will also note that I walked for over 5 hours yesterday and ended the day with over 40k+ steps). Now I for one consider Monday the beginning of the week so yesterday counts as this week. I know on Sunday my husband, sister and myself plan to go to a local craft beer place for lunch thus, not even a glass of wine until then.
Next week could be a bit more challenging. My husband and I are heading up to the trailer and let’s be honest, if the weather is warm and sunny then we will likely be out on our deck and what would be better than a cold one. I’ve already found a way to circumvent that with my non-alcoholic stout and Corona Sun Brew which is also non-alcoholic but will be a fall back because the stout is only 30 calories while the Corona has 60.
I think taking control and moreover responsibility for my life right now will truly help me move forward. As well, it will help me get back into perfect shape for my September trip to Mexico.
Ok, I have just done 2 super workout days in a row. That means a 1 hour bootcamp class followed by 4 hours of walking (of course not all at the same time). This week I actually put in 4 days of at least 20km walked in a day. Yes, I put in a lot of effort this week and I am hoping I can sustain that again next week.
I follow this fellow on X. He is in the UK and is a young guy and is on the bigger side. In May he ran everyday to raise awareness around mental health. I have been encouraging him ever since he popped up on my feed and think about how similar our journeys are. Right now he has decided to train for a marathon and it gladdens my heart every time I read about his successful run as I have been there and know what a feeling of accomplishment it is to add even 1 more km to what you did on your last run.
Thursday I read his post and it broke my heart. 2 years ago he was in such a bad place that he actually attempted suicide. Here is a young man with so much to look forward to in life but felt so down that he wanted to let it all go. I am so proud of him now that he is talking about his mental health and trying to get others to be aware of those around them and what struggles they are going through. I also love the fact he is doing this in such a positive way but getting himself healthier. I truly believe that is what will make him succeed.
I have previously talk about my own issues. When I left my job I was beaten to the point that I didn’t think I could ever recover. What helped me do so was twofold. First, I got some contracts with organizations that respected me. The first one was with a union whose leadership told me at every turn how awesome I was. I have to say, when I worked with them last fall and saw how they implemented so many of my recommendations and that had helped them completely turn around. The 2nd one was a awesome nonprofit who literally referred to me as a financial superhero in getting all of their books that hadn’t been done in 5 years up to date. The last is another nonprofit who just wanted to make sure everything was being done right. I love working for all of these organization as all of them are positive and encouraging. It so helped me turn my mental health around.
But honestly it was 4 years ago when I decided to change my physical health that really put me on the path to recovery. I spend numerous hours everyday walking and that always allows me to clear the negativity out of my head and focus on the important things. I admit, whole different story these past 3 weeks but even today while walking I had an awesome conversation in my head with the little bro’ and it was cathartic.
I ask all of you who read this to remember that mental health is just as important as physical health. I also ask that if you see someone who you think is struggling that you reach out to them and try to find the help that they need.
I got home from the fitness centre this morning after doing an awesome power hour and it was raining. I debated about whether to do the treadmill or risk the rain as it wasn’t coming down too hard. I decided that I really did not want to do the treadmill so put on my moisture wicking pants and water resistant running jacket. This may not have been the best decision especially since that jacket does not resist water very well at all. But out I went and within 10 minutes I was soaked. A voice in my head told me to do about an hour and then phone my husband to come pick me up. Yet as I kept walking I became more determined to finish the walk and so I got in 2 hours. Trust me a large, hot coffee was involved when I got home.
I want to be clear, I am nowhere near back to normal in terms of not having my little brother here, that is going to take some time. Yesterday my husband and I cleaned our basement family room where my brother spent most of his time. Reminders of him were everywhere and by time we were finished I was struggling to keep my emotions in check. I know this is going to take a while but at least after being home for nearly 2 weeks I amt willing to spend time in the family room.
What is getting back to normal is my diet and workouts. While I was in Mexico I committed to working out everyday and I did that. Even after my loss I refused to give myself any chance to find an excuse, especially for my mental health I needed to keep going. Having said that, I only worked out 2 hours most days which is below normal for me. Moreover, there was more eating out and alcohol intake than I should have thus I feel a bit doughy right now as I know I gained several pounds.
I told myself the first week back home I would start building up again. And so last week Monday to Friday I did a 1 hour class followed by a 2 hour walk for a total of 3 hours each day. I acknowledge I opted out on Saturday as it was the day to remember my little brother and I didn’t want to add further stress by being short on time. Still, I got it done and felt better for it.
Then we come to this week. I promised myself that for at least 5 days this week I would get in a 1 hour class followed by at least 3 hours of walking (done via a 2 hour walk then later another 1 hour walk). Today because of the weather I decided it would be my lesser day (normally that is Saturday) so only walked 2 hours. Tomorrow I’ll get in my full 4 hours of working out again and I have a great chance to do the same on Saturday. And, my diet is much better in that it tends to be home cooked meals. That is what normal looks like to me.
I recognize that I could easily blow all of this off and say I need some time but you know what, little brother was so proud of how far I had come and the lifestyle changes I made that I don’t want to disappoint him. Because of him I will keep pushing myself to avoid the complications of diabetes, that horrible disease that took him away from me. He has now become my motivation.
Those who have not been following on FB the past several days, the send off for my brother was awesome. There ended up being standing room only as representatives from service clubs, community theatre, the employer, friends and family were all in attendance. The eulogy was poignant and one of my brother’s friends that helped deliver the eulogy got quite emotional. Afterwards several people came back to the house and the traditional birthday sambuca was brought out of the freezer and the bottle emptied. Apparently a new one will be required to celebrate my brother’s birthday in August.
When my brother passed I was speaking to a representative from the Canadian consulate. He asked if the death was suspicious and I told him no, my brother had many health issues. His response, well it wasn’t a surprise then. Wait, what? Did he think we got up on June 7th and said to my brother hey, let’s go for lunch, do a couple tequila shots and then you have a massive heart attack and die? This caused me to do some research on what not to say when someone suffers a loss and the right thing to say.
We’ll start with what not to say and why. 1) At least he didn’t suffer. Not true, he suffered for 2 decades because of diabetes. I think that things like other heart attacks, losing a leg, constantly suffering from infections and frequently being hospitalized shows that he did suffer. 2) He’s in a better place now. This one kills me, no as far as our sister and I are concerned the better place is here with us and him being alive. 3) He’s lucky he went quickly. Not the thing to say to someone who spent 20 minutes helping to try and resuscitate their brother who was also their best friend. That 20 minutes was probably the longest period of my life. 4) You’ll feel better after the celebration of life. Sorry, but mine and my sister’s grief has decided to stick around for a while longer. This is not a comprehensive list of what we heard, just some of them.
Look, I know that most people are saying these words because they are trying to comfort you in your loss and sometimes even comfort themselves. But really there are some simple things that you can say that are much better. 1) I am so sorry for your loss. 2) Let me know if there is anything I/we can do to help you in this difficult time. 3)They were a great person and I am sure you will miss them. 4) Please reach out if you need to talk, I’ll be there for you. Those small statements and offers of assistance were the ones that truly comforted us.
And so if you encounter someone who has had a loss, carefully choose you words. Remember, that person needs comfort and support not to have their loss justified. Being kind is not hard especially to someone experiencing a loss.
There has been a bit of a challenge being back to in person classes. There has been so many that have come to give me condolences, even ladies that I don’t really know. On top of that, the number of ladies in the classes that have either come to give me a hug or send me a message has been amazing. This is what building a community looks like.
I came back from Mexico and all of the grief I dealt with determined I need to get back on track as quickly as possible. Some of my family and friends encouraged me to take some time but really I need this. I need to have my head in a focused space and that is what my workouts do. Some may find this strange but to me it is getting me to a place I want to be.
This week I have accomplished a lot. Firstly I have worked out every single day since Monday. Secondly I have walked more than 10 km every day with yesterday peaking at 20 km (after having done a fitness class in the morning). Finally I have burned my calorie goal each day. Good for me as I try to take car of my brother’s estate.
Having said all of that, today was the best day. I did the Power Hour at 5:30am and then at 7:00am set out for a 10 km walk. I was about 1/3 of the way into the walk when I ran into a long time friend who has been devastated about my brother’s death. He asked if we could walk together even though he walks a bit slower than me. I happily agreed with him and we set off on about a 7 km walk. It was almost cathartic as I got to tell the story of my brother’s death but also talk about all the things we had in common. When we finished our walk I felt so much better as we hugged.
My sister suggested that on Saturday (the day of our brother’s celebration of life) that I take the day off. I told her I can’t do that. I am working on getting myself back up to mega 4 hour a day exercising and taking an extra day off really won’t help me. I am back at it and I’ll be honest it helps the coulda/woulda/shoulda voices in me head when it comes to how much more I could have done for lil’ bro’.
And so I will continue to build myself back up. Having done 7 weeks of using only 10 lb weights I am using 12.5 and 15’s. I don’t think it will be long until I am able to snatch at least 20 lbs. I just need to keep moving and building so that I don’t have to think about everything going on around me.
It is unlikely that there will be a post on Saturday as it is my brother’s send off. I just ask all of you to give me the strength to get through the day as I know it will be extremely difficult. Goodbye to my best friend, know you will always be in my heart.
Today’s task has been writing notes for the eulogies. It is not that there is going to be more than 1 eulogy, it’s just different organizations will be saying a few words about my brother. Funny, he almost has a eulogy ‘team’ who is doing the official presentation and it heartens me that more than 1 person wants to be involved in the presentation and planning.
Last June I made a decision that really changed me. I had by that point dealt with my husband retiring the previous year and being home all the time. I admit I was back to some bad habits and the weight had crept up again to a level I was not happy with. I also found when I went to Mexico (which is about 3 times per year) I would slowly back off working out during the stay. I was tired of it and wanted to lose the excess weight again as well as get my fitness level back to optimum.
And so I joined Goodbrand Fitness which is a women’s only fitness centre. It was an entirely different concept than joining a gym. This was not about treadmills and exercise bikes but rather about weights and using your own body to build muscles. I have a goal of at least 5 classes a week on top of 2 hour walks each day.
Now I admit when I did my first bootcamp class I felt like an uncoordinated buffoon. All the other people in the class seem to know exactly what they were doing and how to do it properly. For me it was the no way, I can’t do that kind of situation. But, I had signed up originally for a 6 week challenge where I had to track all of my food and exercise, report in to a trainer each week, and do weigh ins. I guess it worked because I lost 20 lbs those first 6 weeks and I decided to go back for more.
I truly believe this is one of the best decisions I have ever made. My fitness level is awesome. While I gained a few pounds on my 7 week trip Mexico, I’m not worried about those pounds coming off. I am far more cognizant about what and how much I eat as well as how much I exercise. Best of all is I am confident that since I still enjoy my classes that I am going to stick with it.
Two days ago my husband and I were complaining about the heat. Now that we are back home we are complaining about the massive rain and hail. Unfortunately the rain came do so fast and hard that our drain couldn’t handle it and water got into the garage. My husband has managed to get most of the water out and has now taken every large towel in the house (fortunately we have many of them) and is drying the cement as best he can.
Yesterday was a tough day for me. For starters we arrived home at about 1:15am and then because it is impossible for me to simply hop in bed and go to sleep I stayed up until about 3am. I was up at 7:30am so really not a lot of sleep. I did manage to get a walk in and then really needed to get my nails done. I know I was pretty tired and that combined with the stress of the last week made me a little emotional.
I wanted to get some more done on my brother’s estate and I started with his prosthetist. When I was going through the mail I found an overdue notice from them for $115. I called and explained he had passed and asked if they could send me the original bill as I would try and get it paid by his benefits provider. They told me not to worry about it as they had a fund provided by the War Amps and they would use that to pay the bill. I started crying.
Next we had been invited to meet with my brother’s friends from where he worked. We got there and the number of them that had turned out was so impressive. They passed around a phone to record comments from each of them to be played at his celebration of life. They included me, my husband and sister in the video. They then pointed out that on the post at the end of the table they had hung a framed picture of my brother. I cried a bit when we were leaving and I stood up to thank all of them.
The end of the day was heading to our Elks lodge to meet with those helping with the celebration of life including the caterer and person in charge of the hall rentals. First of all as soon as we walked in to the lounge the number of people who came up and gave us hugs and condolences was amazing. But then as we sat down to sort over thing out I realized I was overwhelmed. I felt like I was whipsawing back and forth between 3 people talking to me and asking questions about food, bar, set up, technology, etc. I got to the point where my brain wasn’t able to understand things that should come easily to me. I conceded defeat and realized I am broken and I need some time to heal.
I have been telling myself that I was getting better and being at home and back to my routine would help me move forward. I was wrong, you cannot suffer a loss like I did only a week ago and think life will be normal just because that is what you want. I went to bed last night and gave myself permission to let myself heal. I turned off my alarm and this morning I slept in. I decided that while a few of my workouts in the last week helped me to feel mentally better, I doubted it would work today so I again gave myself the permission to take the day off and not feel bad about it. I also gave myself permission to cry again which is what I am doing as I type this.
Intellectually I know I need time to heal but emotionally I had really wanted for it to have already happened. It’s funny but I have several times counseled others who were in grief that there is no ‘you should be over it’ time, each of us are individuals and have the right to grieve as long as is needed. So I am giving myself that time. If I am not ready to head to the basement which is where my brother had his bedroom and his stuff is all through the family room then that is ok, there is nothing there that is urgent. If I can only get through 1 item each day on the list of things I have to do for the estate, that too is ok. And, if I need to cry then I need to cry.
Only time and giving myself a break are really what is going to help me heal. Right now I still see my brother everywhere and I hope to keep that for as long as I can.
The remains of my brother arrived yesterday along with all the paperwork. That allowed me to do things like apply for his life insurance and arrange for his obituary to be posted. It is surprising how much work we have been able to do from Mexico to get things moving on my brother’s estate. The challenge isn’t with what we need to do at home, rather it is dealing with Mexico. We were told that we would have him and the documents by Monday but that didn’t happen. Then it would be Tuesday afternoon but nope. I was getting very stressed because they assured me it would be here yesterday morning but more excuses. Finally yesterday afternoon it all arrived so we are able to make our flight today.
You know, I never like leaving the condo. It is so beautiful here and life is more laid back. Most days we deal with beautiful weather and trust me this time of year the pool is an awesome temperature. We now have an awesome group of friends that include us in everything. On one trip last year I actually cried the night before we left because I didn’t want to go home. This time is different. Ever since my brother passed last Friday all I have wanted to do was go home. I want to see my sister in person, I want to hug my pets and I want to see all of our friends. Instead we spent those several extra days awaiting everything. Now we have a long day because our flight doesn’t leave until nearly 8pm.
I will note I did have a major success while I was hear, I logged at least 1 workout (either walking or online with my fitness centre) every single day. This even includes last Saturday as I was still reeling from what happened. While I have been relatively successful on previous trips, never to this extent. I came down here determined to stay on course the entire time and I feel I did that. Of course I’ll be ramping things up again starting Monday. I also admit that I am likely going to take tomorrow off simply because we will be arriving at home at about 2am.
Once we arrive home tomorrow morning we will be hitting the ground running. The next several days are already full of events we need to attend including meeting with my brother’s friends as well as my husband’s 50th high school reunion. As such I won’t like be posting on Saturday.
I hope everyone has an amazing weekend and remember, life is short so cherish those around you.
gwennefarrell 